Love · Personal Opinion

You destroyed me for them all

Last night, I lay in bed holding on to my pillow and you filled my mind. I thought about you. I thought about what could have been. I remember you like yesterday and it was so real.

You came into my life as a friend and never in my wildest dreams did I think it would have progressed to more. I remember the first time you walked up to me impeccably dressed in a suit with your tie rightly placed, your shoe clearly indicating that it had just had a shine. You said you knew me from somewhere. Of course I laughed it off knowing it was one of those cheesy pick up lines that every guy likes to use. Almost like they lose their vocabulary and have been told at their usual conferences that the particular line always works.

I ignored you the rest of that event but every time I looked up, or pretended not to, you were in my peripheral vision. You weren’t shy about it, you didn’t blink or pretend that you were staring. At times I even saw a smirk on your lips. At some point I wondered whether it was my hair that was out of place. I squirmed in my seat, adjusting my coat from time to time, looking up again and again yet still you watched like a lion hunting its prey. This however is one of the reasons I shared my contact. I was curious to know. I clearly wasn’t ready for what lay in store.

Couple months down the road and every time your name flashed across my phone screen, I was giddy with excitement like a girl waiting for her marshmallow. It didn’t matter what you were saying, my heart was filled with joy. Your little cute texts had me blushing all day long. I looked forward to the days we sat staring at the stars content in each other’s company. You were intentional about treating me to cozy nights out. We always chose places with balconies so we sat watching the moon, the chilly breeze reminding us why warmth is important. We sat sipping away at wine or was it whisky… does it even matter now? without a care of time laughing at anything and everything. We talked about our plans, where we wanted to be and what we were doing to get there. In you I found a friend, In you I found someone I could be myself around and not worry about whether my outfit was too short or too long, whether my hair was too bright or unkempt, I could laugh and snort without the fear of being scorned. My heart warmed up to you and before I knew it, I looked forward to telling you about my days, my struggles my pain. I began to trust you! You were my biggest cheerleader even when I had the most ridiculous ideas, to you I was never wrong, I was brilliant.

It wasn’t as simple as I’ve intimated though. That cheesy line at the beginning was the issue. How could I trust you? They say all men are the same so I saw every effort you made towards me as a step into my pants. I had to guard my heart, guard my emotions. To not let you in was my number one mission but oh how I failed. I did what I do best, fight, push away, be mean. Some days you gave me time, at others you badgered me until I gave up and just accepted you. Some days I cried, others I mocked you, on other days I blocked you and wished you wouldn’t call or text again. It just wasn’t possible for someone to want me that much or so thought. You didn’t want me. You Loved me! Without reservation. You were too good to be true. It just couldn’t be that you were so real, so perfect and in flesh.

I remember wanting to pay my bill when we went out to dinner and you’d go ballistic and yet I didn’t stop my shenanigans (yeah now I can call them that). Then I didn’t care. You always offered to carry my hand bag knowing full well I don’t like to carry bags but I insisted I could manage every time and yet you didn’t relent. Opening up to you was like stepping on hot coals, my problems were mine. I told you what was absolutely necessary, why go into the gory details? What could you do about them and yet even the little I did tell, you found a way to fix. You made my aches yours. If an issue could be fixed, you went and did just that. I then realized a little too late that I wanted all this and more and yet you were already gone on to the next one.

Did you grow impatient? Did I hesitate too long to decide? Was I the problem or you were just in my life for a season. I know we didn’t fight or call it quits so I still wonder why it all stopped. The ache of not knowing kills me inside and yet I look back and think, It was all ME! because you were unreachable, I had to go on but it hasn’t ever felt quite right. I can’t help but wish that all those who’ve tried are like you. Unfortunately they aren’t you and I do not know how to undo it all. I want them to want me like you did but they clearly aren’t you. God knows I’ve tried but it’s so difficult to open up to another. I wonder if they’ll leave too. Is my baggage that much it has them running back whatever hole they crawled out of?Will I ever open my heart to another? Until proven otherwise, I can say you destroyed me for them all.

45 thoughts on “You destroyed me for them all

  1. This…

    “but every time I looked up, or pretended not to……”
    😊😊😊😊

    Also, why did you take forever to say yes to the guy who offered to carry your handbag?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. How are Atai as of now???
    I can really see that indeed you were destroyed for all.
    Just know that sometimes, God brings some people within our lives almost in an unexplainable manner, just to journey with us to a certain point in our lives & then quit, sometimes in an incognito way, and then we are left to pick up by ourselves from there to the final destination. Sometimes their company is soo sweet, good, Charming, joyous, beautiful, wonderful etc…… that even u can easily run crazy. But other times it can be hell on earth that u feel it’s better to deal with Satan directly than dealing with such people.

    In all this, God always has a purpose for u ahead.

    Accept the fact that he is gone, he came to show u that wonderful friends do exist, Just pick up your pieces & move on. U don’t necessarily have to find someone as good as this one, coz he can’t be this one at all. Forgive the innocent one & give them a chance.
    Appreciate that fact of life, & u will start counting God’s blessings one by one.

    God bless you abundantly.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you Father. This had me all teary and I hear you. It’s just that when you struggle to find someone or even the wait taking forever, you begin to imagine all sorts of things. And yes I trust God yet falter sometimes. It’s always a myriad of emotions. But thank you for the encouragement. Byandema, I shall call you immediately.

      Like

  3. I know we didn’t fight or call it quits so I still wonder why it all stopped.

    The part which hurt the most, you are left with unanswered questions, what went wrong?? Was I the problem?? THE memories don’t fade easy, you try to move on but like you said, “you destroyed me for them all”, but we will survive. Enjoy your Sunday, don’t fgr to follow back

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey Atai,
    Please allow me to dedicate my favorite track of Ric Hasanni’s “Thunder fire you” to all them heart destroyers😂😂

    I pray love finds and overwhelms you so much that you never remember you were once broken by love. I pray God wraps His arms of love around you. Amen
    Xo❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sometimes it’s never meant to be. Our good God will never share reasons for the pain we endure. Or give replies to questions only he can answer.
    Life’s a good thing, just like a rose so lovely a flower. It smells nice and will prick you. Focus on the flower not the thorns.
    It’s better to have loved and lost and never to have loved at all … hold the sweet memories dear and close. These help us face what the morrow brings without prejudice.
    When your only option is to stay up and strong, you will be amazed at how you smile at yesterday’s lemons.
    Amazingly crafted , thanks for sharing. God bless !

    Liked by 1 person

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