You destroyed me for them all

Last night, I lay in bed holding on to my pillow and you filled my mind. I thought about you. I thought about what could have been. I remember you like yesterday and it was so real.

You came into my life as a friend and never in my wildest dreams did I think it would have progressed to more. I remember the first time you walked up to me impeccably dressed in a suit with your tie rightly placed, your shoe clearly indicating that it had just had a shine. You said you knew me from somewhere. Of course I laughed it off knowing it was one of those cheesy pick up lines that every guy likes to use. Almost like they lose their vocabulary and have been told at their usual conferences that the particular line always works.

I ignored you the rest of that event but every time I looked up, or pretended not to, you were in my peripheral vision. You weren’t shy about it, you didn’t blink or pretend that you were staring. At times I even saw a smirk on your lips. At some point I wondered whether it was my hair that was out of place. I squirmed in my seat, adjusting my coat from time to time, looking up again and again yet still you watched like a lion hunting its prey. This however is one of the reasons I shared my contact. I was curious to know. I clearly wasn’t ready for what lay in store.

Couple months down the road and every time your name flashed across my phone screen, I was giddy with excitement like a girl waiting for her marshmallow. It didn’t matter what you were saying, my heart was filled with joy. Your little cute texts had me blushing all day long. I looked forward to the days we sat staring at the stars content in each other’s company. You were intentional about treating me to cozy nights out. We always chose places with balconies so we sat watching the moon, the chilly breeze reminding us why warmth is important. We sat sipping away at wine or was it whisky… does it even matter now? without a care of time laughing at anything and everything. We talked about our plans, where we wanted to be and what we were doing to get there. In you I found a friend, In you I found someone I could be myself around and not worry about whether my outfit was too short or too long, whether my hair was too bright or unkempt, I could laugh and snort without the fear of being scorned. My heart warmed up to you and before I knew it, I looked forward to telling you about my days, my struggles my pain. I began to trust you! You were my biggest cheerleader even when I had the most ridiculous ideas, to you I was never wrong, I was brilliant.

It wasn’t as simple as I’ve intimated though. That cheesy line at the beginning was the issue. How could I trust you? They say all men are the same so I saw every effort you made towards me as a step into my pants. I had to guard my heart, guard my emotions. To not let you in was my number one mission but oh how I failed. I did what I do best, fight, push away, be mean. Some days you gave me time, at others you badgered me until I gave up and just accepted you. Some days I cried, others I mocked you, on other days I blocked you and wished you wouldn’t call or text again. It just wasn’t possible for someone to want me that much or so thought. You didn’t want me. You Loved me! Without reservation. You were too good to be true. It just couldn’t be that you were so real, so perfect and in flesh.

I remember wanting to pay my bill when we went out to dinner and you’d go ballistic and yet I didn’t stop my shenanigans (yeah now I can call them that). Then I didn’t care. You always offered to carry my hand bag knowing full well I don’t like to carry bags but I insisted I could manage every time and yet you didn’t relent. Opening up to you was like stepping on hot coals, my problems were mine. I told you what was absolutely necessary, why go into the gory details? What could you do about them and yet even the little I did tell, you found a way to fix. You made my aches yours. If an issue could be fixed, you went and did just that. I then realized a little too late that I wanted all this and more and yet you were already gone on to the next one.

Did you grow impatient? Did I hesitate too long to decide? Was I the problem or you were just in my life for a season. I know we didn’t fight or call it quits so I still wonder why it all stopped. The ache of not knowing kills me inside and yet I look back and think, It was all ME! because you were unreachable, I had to go on but it hasn’t ever felt quite right. I can’t help but wish that all those who’ve tried are like you. Unfortunately they aren’t you and I do not know how to undo it all. I want them to want me like you did but they clearly aren’t you. God knows I’ve tried but it’s so difficult to open up to another. I wonder if they’ll leave too. Is my baggage that much it has them running back whatever hole they crawled out of?Will I ever open my heart to another? Until proven otherwise, I can say you destroyed me for them all.